Friday, May 6, 2011

Holding Patterns

Limbo (lmb) - an intermediate place or state.

Man I hate being in limbo. It just feels like our whole lives are in this crazy state of wait right now. Dan is starting his new job soon.  So many things are kinda iffy right now. We will be changing insurance. Twice! The company that hired him went through a staffing company so for the first 90 days we will be under their insurance then we will switch again to the company's insurance. We are trying to figure out stuff like his 401K... but we can't do anything with it until he actually isn't employed there anymore.  Can we take a vacation of any kind this summer? Who knows? We are waiting to see.

We are also in a crazy money wait right now as well.  We aren't sure how the whole last paycheck/vacation time/ect. is going to work and I am afraid to spend any money on the off chance things don't go the way we plan. Did I  mention both kids b-days are next week?  Right now I know EXACTLY how much Dan's check will be every two weeks. That is going to change. Hopefully for the better but still I can't really plan anything yet... limbo.

I have chicks hatching. Slowly. Over days. I am ready to bring them home but I am waiting until they all hatch. I am not good at waiting.

We aren't sure yet what the next school year is going to bring.  Eighth grade at the High School? Band? Guitar?  What time will it start?  What teachers will the kids have? I know all the Peasley teachers but none of the Page teachers. All we can do is wait to see.

I have no job. That was the plan. I would stay home this summer and then go back to work in the fall. But that means I don't have a job in the fall yet. But I can't apply for jobs and tell them I want to start work in 3 months.  But if I wait until fall what if I don't find one? Just thinking about it makes me anxious. There are a couple of jobs I said I would take right now. Either the job itself or the pay is good enough for me to change my plans. I have interviewed for one and did two phone interviews for the other. But I am waiting to hear.

Waiting. Limbo. Holding Patterns.

I am trying really hard to be patient.  I am trying to enjoy my time off. I was really looking forward to it. I don't want to spoil it with worry.  I know worry is useless.  I know God is in control. But somedays I really curse this whole free will thing. It isn't that I don't trust God. I don't trust myself to make the right choices.  Somedays I just think..."Okay God You are really gonna let ME make the decisions? What are you thinking!"  But I also know that ultimately if I take the time to listen He will help me make the right choices.  I am trying to take advantage of this experience.  Call it an exercise in trust. I trust that if I blunder the whole thing God will somehow make it all turn out right.

I am holding on to an old song that a friend reminded me of. I have it on my ipod in a contemporary version by Ginny Owens. I am listening to it over and over.  I am determined not to let the waiting get to me. I read a thing that said "Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting". I am working on that.

Here is the song in the version I have:

Be Still, My Soul
Artist:Ginny Owens

Be still, my soul,
The Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God, to order and provide.
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul,
Your best your heavenly friend,
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul,
Your God will undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul,
The waves and winds still KNOW
His voice who ruled them while he lived below.

Be still, my soul,
Be still, my soul,
Be still.


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